Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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