I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
