Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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