I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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