I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
