On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When are your genitals available?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
