Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
