You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
