I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
