i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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