you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
