Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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