What did we do last night that was yellow?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
True strength comes from lack of pants
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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