My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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