Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
