when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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