its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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