According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
