There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
3 2 1 whiskey
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
