my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's always time for handjobs
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
