We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
