Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
