I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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