Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
