this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
