Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
