K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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