C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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