your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
