I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
