Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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