textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
