my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
