she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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