i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
