That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
