Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
