I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
