cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
