Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
