Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
