There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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