you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My cat gives me a boner
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
