i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
