How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
