there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
