I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
