Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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