I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
