he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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