Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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